Me: I accept the fact that he has ended at least a dozen wars…
Other guy: A dozen? That’s more than I remember.
Me: If you count the ones he doesn’t usually mention, like the Crimean War, the Franco-Austrian War, and the War of Roses. But what I was getting at was that I should also get some credit, if not for ending the current situation, for at least postponing another round of fighting. And that took some planning.
Other guy: This I gotta hear.
Me: Remember, I told you that the last time my catheter was changed was on Jan. 29. And I was supposed to have my procedure on March 1, which didn’t happen because…
Other guy: Sometimes you have to start something before you can end it.
Me: That’s true. Now I told you that my procedure has been rescheduled for July 5, right after the Fourth of July, which would be a good time for him to resume hostilities.
Other guy: And what’s your point?
Me: Simply that I needed to have to have my catheter changed at least one more time before my procedure, and it would have to be on or before April 29th, which is three months from when it was changed last.
Other guy: What’s so special about three months? Supposing you don’t get it done by then?
Me: I don’t know what happens, and I don’t propose to find out by not getting it done.
Other guy: I still don’t get what you’re driving at. What does this have to do with ending a war?
Me: Bear with me. So I was looking at my calendar and trying to find a time the last week of the month to get it done. Let’s see; Sun. is Apr. 26th and Wed. the 29th. We have something doing on the 28th, so that wouldn’t work. Figure one of those days for Barbara to be on call to take care of Gefen, and there’s not a lot of days left. And do I want to wait until the last minute; in case something goes wrong?
Other guy: You mean because the war might start up again? But there’s a cease-fire.
Me: Look, I know we don’t agree on where this is all leading or where it should be leading. You may think that the fighting is over, but would you bet the mortgage that the cease-fire is going to last? And, more to the point, would you wait until Apr. 29th to have them change the catheter? I didn’t think so. Why don’t I just play it safe and get my catheter changed while there’s still an official cease-fire in place; doesn’t that make the most sense?
Other guy: I see your point. That’s what you did, isn’t it?
Me: So I started looking at dates on my handy-dandy JSPCA wall calendar for the week starting Apr. 19th. That’s the week with Yom Hazicharon and Yom Haatzmaut stuck in the middle, when you don’t want to be in the hospital.
Other guy: They won’t take you then?
Me: It’s one thing if you have an actual emergency. But to plan to be there? That doesn’t make much sense. Anyway, we decided to go on Sun. April 19th. But we ran into a different problem, which we hadn’t thought about. If we get a referral from Maccabi to go to the emergency room, it’s only valid for twenty-four hours, which, in a way, makes sense. But if we’re going on Sun., then our doctor has to remember to write out the referral and send to us Sat. night after Shabbat or first thing in the morning on Sun.
Other guy: Wait a minute. You need a referral to go to the emergency room? That makes no sense.
Me: Of course you don’t need a referral to go to the E.R. – especially if it’s actually an emergency. But we’re going for a routine procedure. And if you want to know why you’d have it done in the E.R., it just works out that way.
Other guy: I don’t understand.
Me: I don’t blame you. Let me try to explain. The E.R. is the only place to have this kind of routine procedure done on a walk-in basis, without an appointment, where they have the facilities and the backup in case there’s a problem. And let me tell you, we once tried having my catheter changed in the nurses office in our local clinic. There was a problem, and I wound up in the E.R. at 8PM on a Thurs. night. Not what I wanted to happen. It did wonders for my stress level. So, no, I’m going right to the E.R. sometime in the morning – in case it takes a while; better safe than sorry. As for having a proper referral, it just speeds up the process to have something in writing from a doctor with you. They don’t have to ask you as many questions.
Other guy: I’ll take your word for it. Anyway, what happened?
Me: Let me give you the shortest version I can. We had to go to our Maccabi office Sun. morning to get a hafnayah, a referral. Chaya, the friendly woman at the front desk, was able to call our doctor, who was down the hall, and he prepared the form, which she printed out for us. We left, and I spotted a #120 bus heading to the bus stop right in front of the mall. That’s the line that goes two or three times a day right past Hadassah Hospital. I did my usual move-as-fast-as-you-can number and managed to get there just in time to flag it down and have the driver wait for Barbara to catch up. Otherwise, it would have taken us a lot longer to get to the hospital. The E.R. wasn’t very crowded, unlike the last time we were there. A nurse in the admission office took my blood pressure and pulse rate and sent me right down the hall to the emergency room without even having another nurse do a blood test. Maybe my repeating ‘routine’ over and over again helped. Anyway, they showed me to a bed and within a minute or so a doctor came over, understood that my catheter needed to be changed, and went to get a collection of different sizes to figure out which was the right one. He came back with three young women in tow, who were there to observe and minimally assist. Here you had an Arab doctor patiently explaining to Jewish women who were beginning their nursing training what he was doing. Not what people think about when the subject of Israel comes up, but that’s another story. Anyway, while he was talking, he was changing my catheter and attaching a new bag. There is always a critical moment when one waits to make sure that fluid is flowing the way it’s supposed to; otherwise…. But everything went according to Hoyle, and we were free to leave – with me experiencing the usual amount of discomfort. I guess we could have taken a cab back to Ma’ale Adumim, but with the dollar being what it is, we walked down to the bus station. The total time it took us from when we left our apartment to when we got back, including waiting time to get the referral, was only a little over three hours.
Other guy: I guess that’s not a lot.
Me: it’s almost a world’s record.
Other guy: All right, but let’s get back to what you started to say, that you somehow postponed the startup of the war?
Me: I admit that I was stretching a point a bit for effect. But let me ask you this: When is something more likely to go wrong, when you are acting in a timely fashion or when you’re rushing at the last minute? Had I waited until the last day or the next to last day to take care of my catheter, I would be on stress alert, hoping that there wouldn’t be a resumption. And if there was, I would make a connection…
Other guy: Just like when the war started exactly when you were supposed to have your procedure.
Me: Exactly. Now rationally I know there was no connection. He didn’t start the war when he did to prevent me from getting my treatment. In fact, lots of us are wondering exactly why he started the war when he did and what he expected to accomplish. But we’re not going to agree on that one.
Other guy: I’m glad you got your catheter changed, and I hope things will work out for you on July 5th. And leave it at that.
Me: And leave it at that. Because if they have to put it off once more, I’ll have to change my catheter again. By the way, did I ever sing you my song, ‘Back in the E.R. again?’ No? It goes like this…
